Archive for the 'fake.stuff' Category

The Internet: Closed for Renovations

Hellow Kiddos.

Been awhile, I know. Believe me, no one's felt the persistent itch from the phantom limb of your company more keenly than your humble narrator here.

Nothing personal, y'understand. Technical Difficulties. Or so the Bell People said when informed that communications to and from the "Reichstag" had been completely cut off for the better part of the past week. So don't go getting all paranoid. it's not always about you, y'know.

In the time i've been 'away', i've been going through what i can only describe as information withdrawl accompanied by the usual physical inconveniences of night terrors, cold sweats and having to function day-to-day jittery as a treeful of squirrels– the rich digital tapistry of my life replaced with what can only describe as 'reality'.
Funny thing is, originally the likely suspect for the state i found myself in was 'human error'. (followed a close second by net neutrality being schiavo'd by a very maliable US congress).

Allow me to explain. Rewind.

After recently changing ISPs, it came time to inform Sympatico that they were no longer 'goed-out-with'. However, as the previous attempt of 'it's-not-you-it's-me' ISP contract severance was met with typical denial and atypically stern resistence which resulted in a sweeting of the terms of our contract, this time there was determination not to be seduced.

'I'm leaving the country soon', was the reason offered. Unlike using it on your erstwhile object of affection, it's much more plausible to an ISP.


-Well then on behalf of Sympatico, I'd like to thank you for choosing us and hope that we can serve you again in the future. Says Wendy, my lovely CS rep.
Now free to openly pursue the formerly dirty little secret of my new ISP there was every optimistic feeling of a chapter closing.

But days later when the phone had been cut off I could only assume the worst…that some over-zealous customer service rep. (that's you Wendy) had thought they'd go above and beyond the call of duty and disconnect the phone as well, seeing as I wouldn't be needing it where I was going.

Imagine the creeping sense of backfire as once again you slink back to your ex and get ready to pile lie on top of lie in attempt to save face and deflect attention from the reality of the situation: it's-not-me-it's-you. No one wants to know they've been cheated on, especially not someone who still has power over you. poopy, lemme tell ya.

So courage was summoned and calls were made.

-It hasn't been cut off on our end which means it's a service issue. Said the smiling voice on the other end of the line (one of the great ironies of disrupted phone service being exactly how you sort it out without no phone. So I'm sure if her voice was smiling at all, it was due to the deliciousness of the predicament).

Well talk about getting let off the hook. How wonderful the moment when you're about to step onstage for an elabourate song and dance routine and it's pulled out from under you in with the tiniest shread of new info.


-What about my 'rabid fanbase'?

-Sorry, sir. We'll have someone take care of it by the 14th.'

And true to their word, the phone's restored and fake. along with it. The past week has been difficult. The communications evquivalent of living in a cave, hermetically sealed away from everyone I love in the internets. And lordy how you've been missed. This time apart from blogging has truly broken the fingers of my vanity since I was only just starting to enjoy the idea that someone out there is tuning in.

Well now that the mea culpas have been taken care of and the realization dawns on you, dear reader, despite rumours of our apparent demise that even our supposed death was fake., believe that we're getting ready to tickle your pixels all summer long with loads of fresh new stories and even a suprise or two. Watch this space.


The New Face of Zero and One: fake.makeover

Those of you regularly checking in on the fake rants and musings may have noticed that the site has pulled a Gregor Samsa. Gone is the monochrome in favour of something a little more fluid and friendly. The header will regularly change as well depending on the mood of the editorial staff. The current header is a bit of banksy graffiti someone was kind enough to post on flikr. Let us know what you think of the new look by posting a comment.

Also new is the RSS feed. That's right, you can subscribe to Fake and get it delivered fresh and hot to your inbox or feed aggregator whenever the fancy strikes for new fake. posts. just click the RSS link and cut and past the URL. What could be simpler?

y'know y'wanna.

Go On My Son!!!

As miserable a day as Sunday April 23rd was over on this side of the pond, the sun was shining down on Villa Park in Birmingham for the FA Cup Semi Final between Middlesborough and our beloved Hammers of West Ham United.

Thanks to a Satellite dish at my parents' house I was able to catch the action in exchange for barbecuing lunch for the folks and the rest of the fam (some freshly back from mexico and suspiciously pale despite what I was assured was beautiful weather down there).
It was a tightly contested tilt between two teams vying for a UEFA Cup spot in next season's tournament. Neither side were willing to give up too many chances in the first half although 'boro seemed the more spirited side as they still had the memory of a mid-week loss to Steaua Bucharest in this year's UEFA Cup Semi-final first leg fresh in their memories.

But after the break it was a rampant West Ham that took the lion's share of posession and created the more dangerous chances– one of which, a Marlon Harewood touch in the 78th minute, resulted in the games only goal and a subsequent Harewood booking for the post-goal celebration (you're no longer allowed to take off your shirt after a goal in the Premiership).

Sadly, I actually missed the goal and the glory since it took place around 12:30 pm local time while I was busy standing in the rain, braving the afternoon's distemper and flipping chicken!!!! However, being superstitious about my sport I rationalise it this way: there are times when the team  you support wins because you watch and believe and times they lose because you watch with shaky faith. I'll have to say that I was 50/50 on the Hammers in Europe next season so i s'pose i'd've jinxed things by actually 'participating' in the moment.

Regardless, well done West Ham, European cup football awaits. Which is to say nothing of a mouth-watering FA Cup Final to contest against a spirited Liverpool side (who beat Premiership Champions Chelsea to book their spot in this year's final and have already qualified for the Champion's League Next season, hence the automatic UEFA Cup qualification for the team winning the Boro/West Ham match even if they lose the FA Cup final) on May 13th at Cardiff's Millenium Stadium. It's been a brilliant return to the premiership for the Hammers and an absolute cracker of a season so far.